Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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