I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
