So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
