I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
