What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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