I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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