I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
