My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
