I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
