Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
