If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
