the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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