I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
