I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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