the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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