god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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