She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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