I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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