I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
