you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
