I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
