I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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