So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
