i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
