I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
