You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
