I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Randomize
