The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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