Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
