Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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