just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
