I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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