there's paper in my vomit.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
