My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
