my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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