My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
