i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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