I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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