Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
