mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
