Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
