Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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