R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
