I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I look better un-naked...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
