you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
