Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
