I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
