I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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