I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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