Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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