I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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