Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
