I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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