im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
