I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
