I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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